'The Emoji Movie' Review

The Emoji Movie... was actually released into theaters across the world last Friday...

Let's just take a moment and let that sink in...

According to the dictionary, emojis are classified as small digital icons used to express ideas, emotion, etc. in electronic communication.

An actual movie was made about these...

**Breathe in** (1, 2, 3, 4)

**Hold breath** (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

**Exhale** (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Okay. Now that everyone's calm, we can discuss this "film." I'm sure many of you are wondering why I would put myself through watching this. Well, I received some requests to review it and I simply had to see it after it opened to a 0% Rotten Tomatoes score (it's unfortunately risen to 6%). When this "movie" was announced, I was astounded. Studio executives really resorted to structuring an entire animated movie around emojis... I simply had to see it...

For those who have the fortunate resolve to read all of this, I commend you. The Emoji Movie takes place in Textopolis, the messaging app inside a teen's smartphone. In Textopolis, all the emojis are living entities whose purpose is to give one general expression and be ready for the their inevitable use by the smartphone owner. However, the "Meh" emoji is different because he's able to express many emotions. On Meh's first day working on the phone, he goofs up and ruins the text Alex sent to his crush. Alex notices the glitch so he schedules an appointment to have his phone examined and debugged, putting all the inhabitant's lives at risk for deletion. Facing the threat of deletion, Meh flees with the "Hi-5" emoji to meet Jailbreak, who can hopefully recode Meh once they reach Dropbox. The three then journey to Dropbox for Meh to be recoded properly, Jailbreak to escape into the Cloud, and Hi-5 to be a popular emoji again.

If that plot description sounded contrived, convoluted, and flat-out stupid, that's because The Emoji Movie is all of those things. The movie's core concepts are basically a mixture of Wreck-It Ralph, The LEGO Movie, and Inside Out but The Emoji Movie lacks the charm, intelligence, or heart of any of those three outstanding animated films. You can just tell that a screenwriter was plopped down and forced to develop some semblance of a plot centered around emojis. I don't think that task is impossible, but I certainly don't think it was a good idea either. Now I'll be the first to admit I wasn't sure The LEGO Movie seemed like a good idea either, but that movie succeeded in ways I could have never possibly imagined at the time so I tried my hardest to keep an open mind with The Emoji Movie.

On record, The Emoji Movie was directed by Tony Leondis with a screenplay written by Leondis, Eric Siegel, and Mike White but it's easily apparent The Emoji Movie was studio-made by Sony Pictures Animation. This is clear because of how heavily smartphone apps (ie. Candy Crush, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube, and Dropbox) factored into the plot. The Emoji Movie was an outright advertisement for these apps when The Emoji Movie consistently deviated from the story at hand. It was almost like The Emoji Movie had a short attention span comparable to many millennials today. The movie constantly swapped storylines but lacked focus on any of them.

The animation style's substandard, the editing is atrocious, the script is stupid, and the cast was fairly one note. T.J. Miller was appropriately "meh" as Meh, failing to bring any real distinct personality to the character even when we're told this is the most expressive emoji. Anna Faris fell flat as Jailbreak, James Corden's Hi-5 was incredibly obnoxious, and Maya Rudolph's Smiler was just strange. Meh's parents Mel and Mary Meh are voiced by Steven Wright and Jennifer Coolidge and stand to reason as some of the most lifeless characters in cinema. 

Those behind the film even had the audacity to cast Sir Patrick Stewart as the "poop" emoji and an actor who delivered one of the greatest supporting performances of the year in Logan ACCEPTED this?!? WHYYYY?!?!.. Stewart essentially just throws out pitiful poo puns and the entire time you're wondering why this was even necessary... I can't possibly comprehend why he'd want himself attached to this in any way, shape, or form...

At this point, I don't know what else I could possibly express to you via words. I'd love to be able to have something profound to say about The Emoji Movie but I honestly don't. Therefore, I will utilize the emojis at my disposal to rip this thing to shreds. 

Overdramatic Emoji Decryption Review

😐😕😖😡- I think this would accurately describe the progression of my facial expressions throughout this movie's runtime. I was genuinely disinterested, then repulsed at how this stupid ridiculous product placement made it's way to cinemas.

📵📵📵- This movie was so bad that I considered boycotting the use of my own iPhone afterwards.

🔪✂🔌- About a quarter of the way through, I figured cutting the cord to the digital projector seemed like a viable option to just get it to end. On one hand, I might electrocute myself. On the other, I would spare the poor souls in the theater from this cheap soulless cash-grab. Sometimes sacrifice is necessary if the needs of the many outweigh your own.

🔥💩🚽- I don't believe this requires an explanation but yes, explosive diarrhea would be much more enjoyable than watching The Emoji Movie.

🚨❗❌🗑🗑🗑🚨❗❌- Whatever you do, do NOT support this garbage with a vote of confidence at the box office. Literally anything else out would be more worth your time. I think scrolling through all the emojis on your keyboard would be even more entertaining than The Emoji Movie and take far less time. I don't even think kids will like this. It's that bad.

Film Assessment: 🔥💩🚽 (F) 

Throwback Thursday Review: 'Transformers: Age of Extinction'

Sorry for a late review but this week I'm rolling out the last of my Transformers reviews with a Throwback Thursday Review over Transformers: Age of Extinction and new Transformers: The Last Knight review in the coming days. Other reviews you can expect this week week include a Throwback Thursday Review over Despicable Me 2 and both Baby Driver and Despicable Me 3. The first few weeks of July will incorporate Throwback Thursday Reviews of The Amazing Spider-Man, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Inception, Recollection Reflection Reviews of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, and reviews of new releases Spider-Man: Homecoming, War for the Planet of the Apes, Dunkirk, and Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.

'Transformers: Age of Extinction' Review

Transformers: Age of Extinction takes place five years after Dark of the Moon's Battle of Chicago. The US government has turned against the Autobots, hunting them alongside intergalactic bounty hunter bot Lockdown. Ambitious inventor and overprotective father Cade Yeagar discovers a trashed truck inside an abandoned cinema and brings it home in hopes of repairing the vehicle or scrapping it for parts, only to learn the truck is actually Autobot leader Optimus Prime. Yeagar is then tasked to help Prime reunite the remaining Autobots to protect mankind once more.

Age of Extinction is the fourth film in the franchise to be helmed by Michael Bay yet it feels more or less the same as his previous entries, only this time the Bay-isms have worn thin. The visual noise is dialed up to the max volume with no worthwhile story to tell underneath it. While I don't watch the Transformers movies with the expectation of seeing the greatest blockbuster of all time, I think it's sufficient to expect to an adequate story with reasonably entertaining action pulling things together. This is where Age of Extinction whimpers out because everything about Age of Extinction is overcrowded and unnecessary.

Bay allows similar problems to plague this project as incomprehensible action sequences come by the viewer one after the other, sprinkled in the midst of a human storyline you won't be invested in. Watching the Transformers fight one another is cool enough on its own so you don't need to obscure the action with egregious editing and frenetic shaky cam or even draw it out with superfluous slow-motion. For that matter, the Transformers need to be the shining stars of their own franchise. I understand that the effects are expensive but these things are practically guaranteed to be a hit oversees so you may as well pump a little more financial fuel into this gas tank. 

Are the effects incredible? Of course, the superb deafening sound design and vibrant visual effects are practically the only redeeming elements of the franchise at this point but none of that really matters if you can't draw audience interest into the onscreen insanity. While I understand the financial motive to extend the Transformers franchise with Age of Extinction, there really isn't a new story to be told with these characters. The end result is that Ehren Kruger's script is a repackaged version of the last three movies (Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen, and Dark of the Moon).

I could go on and on about the story semantics but the film really fails engaging me as a viewer. I consider myself a fairly avid Transformers fan so it shouldn't be that difficult to maintain interest when you have remarkably realized robots fighting one another but this installment nearly bored me to sleep both times I've seen it (when I first caught it on Netflix a year and a half ago and my second viewing for the purposes of this review). Instead, Bay decided that it'd be more worth the audiences' time and money to see Yeagar chastise his underage daughter over her awkward, inappropriate relationship with a twenty year old racer. 

Meanwhile, the performances don't offer much to elevate the entertainment. Mark Wahlberg phones it in as Cade Yeagar, providing little personality beyond his thinly sketched characterization of being an overprotective father and the writer's insistence to constantly remind you he's an inventor. Nicola Peltz and Jack Reynor play Tessa Yeagar and Shane Dyson with their bland romance serving as an obnoxious plot thread. Neither actor really shines as a charismatic force to brighten things or draw attention to the monotonous action. 

Elsewhere, T.J. Miller, Stanley Tucci, and Bingbing Li playfully factor into the proceedings in varying capacities. Miller's a funny surfer bro, Tucci screams quite a bit as a tech company executive, and Li fights off some henchman with proficiency. They don't do nearly enough to save the movie but provide momentary blips of something off-kilter. 

Peter Cullen, John Goodman, Ken Watanabe, Robert Foxworth, John DiMaggio, and Reno Wilson all provide sufficient voice work as Optimus Prime, Hound, Drift, Ratchet, Crosshairs, and Brains but none of these actors are really challenging themselves in any way, shape, or form considering they mostly deliver expositional dialogue. For the most part they're voicing caricatures with little personality beyond basic stereotypes. 

Frank Welker, Mark Ryan, and Kelsey Grammer fill the antagonistic camp as gruesome Galvatron, the unyielding Lockdown, and wicked government agent Harold Attinger. They make the most of the material provided but are restrained by a paper thin script. 

Transformers: Age of Extinction is indicative of everything currently destroying Hollywood, it's essentially a visual effects reel devoid of any sense of purpose other than to make money. Bay or Kruger must know this is true to some extent because there's even a line in the movie about sequels and remakes being prevalent among Hollywood these days. In summary, Age of Extinction is easily the worst Transformers movie I've seen to date simply because it's maddening to even attempt making it through the two hour forty five minute runtime without losing focus. After watching this movie, I knew one simple fact. My mind had been transformed (and not for the better). 

Film Assessment: D-

'Deadpool' Review

From the fact this was even green lit by 20th Century Fox to its viral marketing, this film astounded me again-and-again. The brilliant marketing campaign for this film is probably one of the best marketing campaigns ever that seemed to perfectly match the character of Deadpool and promise an enjoyable experience. Deadpool totally delivered. 

Director Tim Miller knows how to handle the character as Deadpool kicks the gates wide open, immediately tearing down the fourth wall with a brutally honest, hysterical opening credits. This was shortly followed by an action scene on a bridge that either had me laughing or left my mouth agape in amazement. Although, most of the film had that effect. 

The action is pretty front-heavy due to the lower budget, with little tid-bits sprinkled through the remainder of the film leading to the finale, but it certainly hits the mark. From there we jump back and forth between the present narrative and flashbacks to explain Deadpool's origin and I loved the non-linear storytelling that transpired as it allowed the entire film to be interesting instead of a buildup to the superhero origin, a tendency of most superhero origin films. 

Oh, and by the way Deadpool is by no means a hero, but rather a anti-hero since his methods are quite violent. And what makes the film so entertaining isn't the plot but rather the character of Deadpool. 

Ryan Reynolds was born for this role, embracing the looney personality of the Merc with a Mouth. Reynolds offers not only a great performance in terms of line delivery, comedic timing, and action, but also shows some acting chops for the emotional heart of Wade Wilson. Reynolds also seems to have fallen in love with the character and will ensure he's given the respect deserved to ensure fans will be happy. 

Moreno Baccarin plays Wilson's love interest, Vanessa Carlysle, and she works so well bouncing off Ryan Reynolds. The two provided a very authentic, romantic chemistry. 

T.J. Miller portrays Weasel and makes a great comedic actor to play comedic tennis with Reynolds, hitting jokes and gags off one another with lightning speed. 

Brianna Hildebrand brings Negasonic Teenage Warhead to the big screen for the first time, and she was awesome in the action sequences and I loved how her character configured into the comedy as Deadpool would chastise her. Colossus was the other X-Men (X-Man?) in the film and I think that this film's interpretation is the best version of Colossus we have seen in the X-Men film universe. I loved how his character was connected to the narrative and how Deadpool would ridicule Colossus and the X-Men, even managing to point out that the studio couldn't afford another. 

The antagonists, Ed Skrein and Gina Carano who portrayed Ajax and Angel Dust respectively, were generic villains for Deadpool to fight with Angel Dust as the muscle and Ajax as the skillful, brains of the operation. But both filled the respective roles with a refined and edgy takes on the characters. 

Deadpool was the perfect adaptation of the source material that made for the funniest movie I've seen in a very long time. I would also daresay that I'd rank it in my personal list of the Top 10 comic-book films made to this point. To be totally honest, I'm amazed at the fact that I enjoyed this movie as much as I did given that I'm not "crazy" about the character of Deadpool. Don't fret Deadpool fans, this is the movie you've long awaited and it remains perfectly in synch with the source material. 

A brief disclaimer, though the character of Deadpool can certainly appeal to children, I would highly advise against bringing a child to see Deadpool because this film is not just rated "R." It pushes the limits and boundaries of that rating, making for a very hard "R" film filled with blood, gore, edgy violence, sexual content, and inappropriate humor. But in all fairness, that is perfectly in character for Deadpool and I seriously doubt this film could have been made with as much respect for the character if it had gone with a "PG-13" rating. 

Now to all my female readers, take your man to see this movie on Valentine's Day. I promise you won't regret it as I think it actually makes for a great date movie that has something everyone can enjoy, energized action sequences, meta-comedy, and romance. 

Film Assessment: A B+